Decided to try to continue my blog

Wow, it has been a while.

While I thought of many things to write about, laziness or fear of not fully manage to express myself kept me from putting the words, the sentences which I thought on public display. While I thought of going back to the old ways and getting a diary to fix my thoughts into it, I admit I tend to hide my diaries away to dust... and okay, some of my diaries I even consider in burning them up.

And while I do not expect many people to read my blog, maybe there will be someone somewhere who will stumble upon this blog and identify with it. It will read my words and for a brief few seconds will feel less alone.

Going back to words and diaries, I have a somewhat duality with my writing. While I do feel the need of more than once talk to myself and explain my thoughts in order to give order to the chaos, I also later feel ashamed of my writing. This is not because of feeling that it was wrong, but because many times, my thoughts were causing me pain and as I walk over the "knot" and move through with my life, re-reading what I write makes me feel sad, as I judge my past person as "weaker" and find myself feeling ashamed of my temporary weakness.

For the past years, as I went out of the safety of my home and culture and I traveled around, living in different countries and experiencing both a whole lot of new shocking things, I realized that these ups and downs wouldn't go. I wouldn't go through with them to never see these problems again, but instead, I would face the same issues again and again and build a resilience towards them.
Perhaps this is what it means to grow old, but I realized that instead of fighting to hide, beat and in whole all deny what I considered to be my weakenesses/faults/bad personality traits, I realized that I must instead also work accept these parts of myself, as they are part of me as much as the good ones, and by accepting them, understand why these parts exist, I can better deal with them.

I decided to just keep up with my blog, to share with the both wonderful and ugly world of the internet my ever changing thoughts and perspectives of the world. I say ever changing because they do change a lot, I assume it will keep changing until I die.

Also, my english is terrible and it will get worst, as I am currently on the process of assimilating a new language in my brain (dutch). While many people who are infinitely more talented than me can speak and write fluently in many languages, I admit my internationalization has made me pretty much terrible in all of the 5 languages inside my brain and actually, one of the reasons I rarely write portuguese now is because I am ashamed of how it is. While I could argue that i moved and my language decided to change while I was away... well, let's face it, if someone ever finds my blogs when I was 17 years old.... they would quickly pick up that my language skills pretty much suck balls).

And if anyone doesn't know, image is from the yaoi game Togainu no Chi which I miss playing. Because I missed putting pictures in posts (have no clue how took that screenshot tho).